When people tell me I’ll suffer eternal torment for standing up for homosexuals…

Random Internet dude: Hey, atheist jerk dumbwad, you’re going to h*ll unless you REPENT for standing up for gay people.

Me: Well, duh, I have a part-time job there as a tour guide. What did you think i did all day, talk to internet bigots?

Random Internet dude: Yeah, well it’s… um… going to hurt?

Me: No, it’s cool. After my first 100 hours, I don’t have to suffer in pits of fire when I die.

Random Internet dude: Well bring sunscreen, where you’re going you’ll need it. Hurhurhurdur dumb atheist I hate you stupid cause you’re not religious so you’re automatically dumb hurdur

Me: Don’t you think that was mean?

Random Internet dude: OMG! I DON’T BELIEVE YOU YOU’RE TRYING TO TAKE AWAY MY RELIGIOUS FREEDOM OMG OMG OMG OMG I’M CALLING THE COPS I DON’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEE?!

Me: …

Random Internet dude: IT BURNS!

Me: …Chill, man.

Random Internet dude: ILFCNSDVFSDJMCNANAKDNHFBEUDFNSDIWEEFDNDEJS

Me: Take a chill pill. Or two. Or a thousand.

Random Internet dude: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Me: …Just stop.

Random Internet dude: SIN! BIBLE! CRIME! WAR! JESUS! ETERNAL SUFFERING! yeah bible says gay ppl r bad so suckit

Me: Yeah, just like it says that it’s socially acceptable to stone your kids if they don’t follow your instructions to the letter, and that it’s okay to force your wife into a massive crowd of other men to be beaten. OBEY THE BIBLE!

Random Internet dude: …sin? ………..bible? ……………………………..eternal suffering?

Me (firmly): No.

Random Internet dude: ………..but… but… eternal suffering? plz? plzplzplz eternal suffering?

Me: No. No eternal suffering.

Random Internet dude: …………………oh.


 

 

Seriously, people, if standing up for homosexuals means that I belong in H*ll, then I’ll take the full time job, thanks.

Pizza for Spelling Impaired Droids

So the other day, I made up a thing for my sister called “Pizza for Droids who can’t spell”. (Droids as in the robots from Star Wars.)


I made it because I was trying to imagine how hard it would be for R2-D2 if he had to use a keyboard. It was supposedly a website for droids who were having spelling troubles but wanted ‘peetzuh’, and everything was spelled wrong. I decided to use Scratch and make a fake website, just for fun. You can find the project here. Enjoy!

 

Letters to the World: Spiders (Part 1)

Dear creepy-as-heck spiders,

Okay. What. The. Heck. By now, I’m at the point where I’m just going to compile a list of top ten reasons why I don’t like you.

10.) YOU HAVE TOO MANY EYES.

Seriously. What do you need 8 eyeballs for? Okay, so Professor Applejohnny says you need to see in multiple directions. IN CASE OF WHAT?! In case a spider jumps out of a tree and gets into your hair, then you get crawled on by a creepy hairy…. thing until you can hit it with a school binder? I don’t think so. YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME BECAUSE YOU HAVE 4 TIMES THE EYEBALLS AS ME?!

‘But JJ, some spiders only have 4 eyes, or 2!’

Lovely argument, Kai. THEN WHY THE HECK DO THE OTHERS NEED 8 IF THESE GUYS CAN GET ALONG FINE WITH JUST 2?! Is there some kind of spider social structure where the massive evil creepers get 8 eyes and the ones who aren’t totally stuck up are forced to be born with two, then pushed around and abused by the eight-eyes, bullied and physically hurt by them for their whole life.? That sounds almost as bad as middle school.

9.) THERE ARE TOO MANY.

Soooo… You’re in your house. You have a nice snack. Everything is good.

Then something starts crawling up your leg.

You scream and try throwing it outside, only to find a dead spider and a live spider trapped on your screen door.

You throw them all out and slam the door.

That night, as you go to bed, the Snack Spider somehow got back in and is sitting over your bed. Staring. Which leads me to my next point….

8.) NOTHING IS SAFE.

You slam the door on Hairy Harry the creepy spider. The next day, guess who’s waiting for you on your window? Hairy Harry. A few days later, you find him on the ceiling in your living room. When you venture down to the basement to recapture the Holy Frozen Chicken from the Dark Freezer’s icy clutches, he’s there and he wants to show you his dead insect collection. Everywhere you turn, it’s Harry- Harry’s in your kitchen, chilling with your soda glass. Harry’s on your deck, riding on your umbrella. You’re washing your hands when all of a sudden, Harry gracefully descends from your glasses on a skillfully woven strand of delicate silk.

And does it end there? No.

Harry will start getting demanding. He’ll hitch a ride in your car, your backpack, your hair. He’ll stick flies to the inside of your window, hoping to impress you with his expertly honed trapping skills, until he meets his demise there, frozen despite his obvious attempts to get inside and get warm.

The irony of his death is that he thought that the window would be the warmest place he could be.

7.) You’re squatters.

Excuse me, but when was the last time I or my parents received rent from you, you annoying little eight-legs? NEVER. You sit in our house, eating the unfortunate, misguided delinquent flies who make the mistake of heading into our basement and ooh what’s that stringy thing and oops we’re stuck and whoops that thing has MASSIVE fangs, dude. What do you do in return?

Well, let’s ask! Everyone please welcome our guest star, Hairy Harry the 938,176th!

Hairy- Uh… We catch the flies.

How do you know I’m not friends with the flies?

Hairy: Because I do.

How?

Hairy: Um.. because they’re annoying?

But how can you be sure it’s not just a poor, pitiful baby fly who’s helpless and can barely fly, snared with your heartless tactics and then ripped to shreds mercilessly by your vicious fangs?

Hairy: I don’t care. I want dinner.

 

Well folks, let’s give Hairy Harry the… I’m-not-even-going-to-bother a big round of applaus- oops, I accidentally clapped my hands on him and smushed him. What a shame! Harry the whatever-the-last-harry-was-plus-1, I’m going to require you to pay me $900,783,456,721 in rent for all your ancestors, not including tax. Cash on the spot, please, absolutely no checks.

6.) You practically invented guerilla tactics.

Hairy Harry the 938,177th: But I’m a spider, not a gorrilla!

You poor, uneducated spider. I mean you ambush people. Let’s say a respectable young man goes for a walk in the woods. He’s taking pictures, thoroughly enjoying himself, doing whatever good upstanding young citizens do when they walk through the woods when who should descend from a tree into his neatly combed hair than a spider!

Let’s just say that both his hair and the spider are both going to be seriously messed up very, very soon.

To be continued…

Letters to the World: Flappy Bird

Dear Flappy Bird,

Okay, bird. You got a lot of things going for ‘ya. You’re addictive. Yay! You look like Cheep Cheep. …Yay? You fly. Mostly. Whoopee! Your beak…uh… is… ah, er… Shiny and big? Yeah! Big and shiny!

But there’s a lot of things you don’t have going for you, illustrated in this poem by my friend:

Flappy bird’s an ugly bird
a pudgy bird
a stupid bird
with a beak too big for face
can’t fly straight won’t win no race
faceplant pipe and then the ground
Why can’t you just go around
Flappy bird was made to flap
even though his wings are crap
people rage at you all day
even though crash you may
sympathy,  just not today
Flappy bird
You’re gone now
It’s a good thing too
I went through about 5 phones
trying to “persuade” you

Her poem sums up your crappy flying entirely. I agree, you annoying bird, why can’t you just GO AROUND?! I mean, seriously.

 

THEORY: Bird has extremely heavy beak. Bird must maneuver through pipes that float in sky while beak constantly yanks bird down.

PROBLEMS: Why are there random sky pipes? Why can’t the bird just go above or around? Why is the bird’s beak so heavy? Where the heck is even trying to go, anyway?

My friend Kai and I have some theories…

  1. (Kai) Flappy Bird is attempting to maneuver through a factory that used to create pipes. However, he’s in a system of pipes with a ceiling of pipe, so he can’t escape.
  2. (Me) Flappy Bird is in a world where randomly floating pipes are a natural occurrence, but his magnetic beak is being yanked toward lower part of the Earth’s magnetic field.

CONCLUSION: Flappy Bird is completely pointless and makes zero sense.

Sincerely, JJ

Letters to the World: Middle School

Dear Middle School,

Can you explain your structure to me? Why do the annoying jocks and the nasty mean girls almost always take priority over everyone else? It’s like an unspoken rule between the students- you know your status and you either don’t talk to people higher than you or you kiss up to them.

And then there’s the indoctrination. Every day, we sell our souls to America. WHAT IF WE MOVE TO BRITAIN?! Then we’ll have pledged to always obey America for months, years even. WHAT IF THE TWO GET INTO A WAR?! Then whaddya do? Huh? Huh? Plus there’s the whole, “America good! Other countries bad if we went to war with ‘em!” Like, seriously.

And in case you want more, how about the whole ‘working-off-your-tail-just-to-get-an-A’ thing? BIG INCENTIVE. Seriously, middle school, you suck, and it’s about time you did something about it.

Sincerely, JJ.