Dear creepy-as-heck spiders,
Okay. What. The. Heck. By now, I’m at the point where I’m just going to compile a list of top ten reasons why I don’t like you.
10.) YOU HAVE TOO MANY EYES.
Seriously. What do you need 8 eyeballs for? Okay, so Professor Applejohnny says you need to see in multiple directions. IN CASE OF WHAT?! In case a spider jumps out of a tree and gets into your hair, then you get crawled on by a creepy hairy…. thing until you can hit it with a school binder? I don’t think so. YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME BECAUSE YOU HAVE 4 TIMES THE EYEBALLS AS ME?!
‘But JJ, some spiders only have 4 eyes, or 2!’
Lovely argument, Kai. THEN WHY THE HECK DO THE OTHERS NEED 8 IF THESE GUYS CAN GET ALONG FINE WITH JUST 2?! Is there some kind of spider social structure where the massive evil creepers get 8 eyes and the ones who aren’t totally stuck up are forced to be born with two, then pushed around and abused by the eight-eyes, bullied and physically hurt by them for their whole life.? That sounds almost as bad as middle school.
9.) THERE ARE TOO MANY.
Soooo… You’re in your house. You have a nice snack. Everything is good.
Then something starts crawling up your leg.
You scream and try throwing it outside, only to find a dead spider and a live spider trapped on your screen door.
You throw them all out and slam the door.
That night, as you go to bed, the Snack Spider somehow got back in and is sitting over your bed. Staring. Which leads me to my next point….
8.) NOTHING IS SAFE.
You slam the door on Hairy Harry the creepy spider. The next day, guess who’s waiting for you on your window? Hairy Harry. A few days later, you find him on the ceiling in your living room. When you venture down to the basement to recapture the Holy Frozen Chicken from the Dark Freezer’s icy clutches, he’s there and he wants to show you his dead insect collection. Everywhere you turn, it’s Harry- Harry’s in your kitchen, chilling with your soda glass. Harry’s on your deck, riding on your umbrella. You’re washing your hands when all of a sudden, Harry gracefully descends from your glasses on a skillfully woven strand of delicate silk.
And does it end there? No.
Harry will start getting demanding. He’ll hitch a ride in your car, your backpack, your hair. He’ll stick flies to the inside of your window, hoping to impress you with his expertly honed trapping skills, until he meets his demise there, frozen despite his obvious attempts to get inside and get warm.
The irony of his death is that he thought that the window would be the warmest place he could be.
7.) You’re squatters.
Excuse me, but when was the last time I or my parents received rent from you, you annoying little eight-legs? NEVER. You sit in our house, eating the unfortunate, misguided delinquent flies who make the mistake of heading into our basement and ooh what’s that stringy thing and oops we’re stuck and whoops that thing has MASSIVE fangs, dude. What do you do in return?
Well, let’s ask! Everyone please welcome our guest star, Hairy Harry the 938,176th!
Hairy- Uh… We catch the flies.
How do you know I’m not friends with the flies?
Hairy: Because I do.
Hairy: Um.. because they’re annoying?
But how can you be sure it’s not just a poor, pitiful baby fly who’s helpless and can barely fly, snared with your heartless tactics and then ripped to shreds mercilessly by your vicious fangs?
Hairy: I don’t care. I want dinner.
Well folks, let’s give Hairy Harry the… I’m-not-even-going-to-bother a big round of applaus- oops, I accidentally clapped my hands on him and smushed him. What a shame! Harry the whatever-the-last-harry-was-plus-1, I’m going to require you to pay me $900,783,456,721 in rent for all your ancestors, not including tax. Cash on the spot, please, absolutely no checks.
6.) You practically invented guerilla tactics.
Hairy Harry the 938,177th: But I’m a spider, not a gorrilla!
You poor, uneducated spider. I mean you ambush people. Let’s say a respectable young man goes for a walk in the woods. He’s taking pictures, thoroughly enjoying himself, doing whatever good upstanding young citizens do when they walk through the woods when who should descend from a tree into his neatly combed hair than a spider!
Let’s just say that both his hair and the spider are both going to be seriously messed up very, very soon.
To be continued…